This is a record of past journal entries I have made during an odd phase where I had an out of the blue major crush on my music teacher. It centres on my thoughts and feelings around my teacher and the progression of my teacher crush.
What I felt wasn’t out of the ordinary, but for whom I felt it for was. I would have never imagined myself seeing him in this light — I never felt a remote attraction to him, hell… I never viewed him as someone who was neither attractive nor unattractive; my feelings towards him were neutral, professional, if you will. I looked at him just as I was supposed to, a person of authority… that was until the term “silver fox” was drilled into my brain. Silver fox. These are the two words that was all that were needed to completely change my perception of him.
How is this possible? Well, come to think of it, nothing is necessarily unusual when it comes to me. A few, if not many, know that I like my older guys. I’m not quite sure where it came from but it’s just something I’m known for. I honestly don’t know how or why but since a young age… I’ve been attracted to guys (much) older than me.
Three days, I think, have passed since I began this… This is getting ridiculous. It’s not that deep, I know that for a fact… but it’s infatuation. I know it is. Crushes that I have had in the past are short-lived, lasting no more than a month or so. This has literally only been, like, five days. Bloody hell. These thoughts and feelings are inappropriate, considering the age difference and his authoritative figure. Oh my goodness. This is bad. This is so bad. But. I. Can’t. Help. But. Feel. This. Way. Eurgh! The frustration and inappropriateness is surreal.
I never — I repeat, NEVER ever felt this way, or anything of the sort, towards him… Why now?! Why ever?! He was but a teacher in my eyes; someone who teaches, helps with work, so on so forth. And then that bloody two worded term had to enter my vocabulary and description of him. For goodness sake.
Okay, okay… I am going a tad overboard with this. It isn’t deep, my feelings for Sir… well, not yet anyway. But I can’t stress enough how immediate and unexpected it was that I started to see him as somewhat attractive. Hot. Pretty darn tootin’ good looking (for his age… not that he’s OLD but because he’s old/er lol). Again, I am probably just thinking too much into this. It’s just a phase that will pass. It’s just a temporary crush. It’s all but a short period I will have to endure — not saying that it’s torture, but because it’s just inappropriate and embarrassing and awkward. I legit start swooning and fawning over him in my head whenever he’s near me. Whenever he talks to me, whenever I see him. EURGH! GIRLLLLLLLLLLL! GET IT TOGETHER! THIS IS A2 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! You can’t let him be a distraction, as hard as it is, especially because he’s YOUR teacher, not just any ol’ teacher you’ll pass by every now and again… you actually have him for 5 periods a week. Oh dear goodness. Did I mention when he talked to me after class last week he called me “Darling”?? OMG. I was swooning all over the place. But this is mainly because I have never heard him refer to students as anything other than their name… so for example, I would always hear him call to me as “Hyacinth,” but now that I have a synonym, I feel special. Lol. Trololol. Ridiculous, I know, but meh.
I honestly can’t stop thinking about him. I know that I don’t "like" him, I’m just infatuated and crushing on him. But I imagine weird/odd scenarios that will never in a million years happen. But this is the definition of a crush; the constant thoughts, the unlikely imagined scenarios… etc.
Until next time.
Another three days have passed… Yesterday was a double lesson; periods 5 and 6. Oh gosh. I don’t know whether I did so subconsciously, to have conversations with him, or because I honestly just needed to know what’s what. I kept asking about the project… Tried to get Sir to come to me to talk me through the different things… It has been eight days now, maybe… I know it hasn’t been long but I think it is about to, if not already, get out of hand. There was this one point where the lesson went a little slow, and we were just relaxing… Sir came over to us and started talking about the supposed new method/name for "Division (maths)" because he has a meeting until 7pm about incorporating numeracy and writing into these various subjects… long story short, he was just relaxing and lying down on the table — omg he looked so beautiful. I’m actually very ashamed, embarrassed, upset and mad at myself for both thinking and feeling this way.
Oh my dayssss. This is honestly and truly ridiculous. It’s just a crush. It’s just a phase. This will eventually pass… I hope… or do I? I don’t know anymore. How am I talking like this — it has LITERALLY only been EIGHT DAYS.
I swear I’ve never felt attracted to Sir before; never ever. Never ever. But now I do. This is just so weird. But eurgh, I can’t tell myself to stop — even if I tried, I wouldn’t be able to. I can’t control my feelings. I can only mitigate them. But today. Friday, period 2… He looked rather dapper, although he did wear similar outfits every other day… But he looked so smart and hot and OMG.
I don’t really have much to say tonight. It was a very slow day today. Not so much obsessed with Sir… but I do still find him aesthetically pleasing to the eye ;) *sigh* I’m actually pretty knackered. I really have no reason to write here today but idk. Sir did look rather nice today, I liked what he wore; I was going to compliment him but I am both forgetful and shy. Also, it’s pretty much the same thing he wears every day: a pair of slim, straight trousers with a button down… meh. He is cute — pretty good looking for a teacher, but just as I suspected and hoped, my crush is dying down. Maybe it’s because my TOM is due so mood swings… or perhaps I really just am getting over the phase. I don’t know. But yeah, not much to write or note down today… so until the next time. Oh, but wait! Thursdays are our double periods but this Thursday is UCAS day and I’ve been told that that means no double lesson, so that’s a bummer. Meh. Until I next write in you.
Three days into October. This year has actually gone by really fast. I can’t believe that in two weeks I’ll be 18. I’ll be legal. I’ll be an adult. Man, It’s weird to think that I’ll actually be an adult. But anyway… Like I said in the previous entry, each entry will most likely have a hint of Sir in it, and so with that said…
We had period 4 with him today. He showed us what he had been working on; the drums. Trust, Sir has 12 tracks for the drums alone! So much work and effort. By yeah, he copied his file and put it in the course material so we could look at it and try to copy it, so we all went to our computers and opened up the file but something was wrong, the instruments weren’t right. So he comes and checks it out and tells us what we should do… We all do so and for some reason it still doesn’t sound like how it should. I close Logic, open it up again, sounds the same. I call Sir, he asks if I indexed the loops… I did not. He was like to then try it – I should have actually paid attention when he said to do that earlier. I did it. Nada. It still didn’t work, so I called to him again and you could tell he was getting a little confused and frustrated (but not the angry type frustrated). Aw, poor Sir. I, once again, closed Logic and reopened it. This time it somehow worked? I didn’t know how it did or what I must have done to get it to work. So again I called for Sir to tell him the great news!! Haha. – I don’t exactly remember whether this part happened before I fixed it or after but I’m going to slot it in here… So Sir comes over to me, he sits next to me and pulls out a Lindor… I say in a sarcastic tone ‘Thanks for sharing, Sir’ and he then replies that he hasn’t enough to go around the class, then I reply that they don’t need to know… He then responds saying something along the lines of ‘okay… because you always give me sweets… and then there’s Nadia…’ … SEE! THIS IS WHY YOU SHARE FOOD WITH PEOPLE! OR GIVE FOOD TO TEACHERS! Because then they’ll favour you ;D jk. Nahh, but yahh. So he comes back and says ‘Okay, so tell me exactly what you did…’ and I, being me, replied ‘I don’t know. I kept closing and opening Logic and it somehow worked’. L. said that how Sir asked was like a mother telling off their child; ‘Tell me EXACTLY what you did. Step by step.’ Sir then said to L. to do exactly as I did… but in all honesty I don’t know what I did. So I get back to my project and listen to Sir’s drums… Not all the instruments were audible – not all worked. I went to Sir and told him, he said that I had to wait because not all of the instruments had finished loading and downloading… So I go back, and listen to it again. When I first ‘fixed’ it the shaker sounded like a shaker… when I got back to it, it sounded like a piano. I went back to Sir and told him…. He was just tremendously baffled and a little agitated… He just said to leave it because lesson had finished… But yeah, that was our lesson today.
Today. Not much happened today either – nothing that was interesting per se. It was like any other college day. I talked to N. We’ve never actually been alone together, so that gave us the opportunity to talk and get to know a little about each other, but we didn’t ask personal questions, like birthdays, siblings, interests…etc. just about college and such -typical conversational topics.
I had MUT today – double period as it is Thursday today. I made sure to bring snacks, although not necessarily for me but for Sir as well as my classmates because I’M nice … but anyway. I brought out a big bag of maltesers and offered it to them and they all took some. I only had, maybe, 7 out of a possible 30? Idk. I’m bad at estimating. But yeah. I tried finishing off the drums. I only finished off the claps and added the snare roll, with the help of Sir. I also added in the shaker… so that’s coming together nicely. I asked Sir to listen to it. He said it was good *thumbs up* :D But yeah, not so much fawning over him like I was two weeks ago, but I still think he’s hot. Yep. I don’t think that will change anytime soon… Hmm. I don’t think I have anything else to say for tonight… So until something new and interesting happens, I will get back to you. I wonder when I’ll start actually working… perhaps next week. I am still waiting for them to contact me. I’ll call in on Saturday to check if they don’t contact me by then. But yup, goodnight for now.